Review: Birthday Cake Oreos
Yesterday I went to Ralph’s in Studio City by myself. I usually have one or both sons in tow; strolling through the aisles unencumbered felt both nostalgic and novel. It was a real Calgon moment for old Brookie. I saw that they had Birthday Cake Oreos. I don’t buy that trans-fatty Mississippi shit for my kids, but I definitely eat it myself. I threw them in the cart next to all the...
Traci Lords on boys and sex in HuffPo
“I’m a mom myself, I have a five-year-old son, and he’s fierce and people constantly ask me “What are you going to do with your son and [how will you] tell him about your career?” And I respond, “You teach children as it’s appropriate.” Ultimately I want to teach him use his penis for good and not evil! This is a gift. This is your body. Yes, it...
Best Red Band Trailer gif ever.
Today I was driving to the doctor’s office and listening to the ’90s station on Sirius. The song “Hand in My Pocket” by Alanis Treadwell (née Morissette) came on, and I instantly became unstuck in time. I used to drive around to that song in the actual ’90s. Back in those days, I had a silver Ford Escort I called “Rocket Girl”— this was a perfectly...
eject: Last week’s LATimes article ran in Chicago... →
Yes. kellyoxford: Last week’s LATimes article ran in Chicago Tribune today. SHORTCUTS! The message I am getting from this is that living my whole life as a writer, writing for years and years meant nothing. Growing up as the annoying kid on the street who wrote plays and tried to force peers to perform…
The Benefits of Being Shameless
Tracie nails it so I don’t have to. tracieeganmorrissey: Ever since I got pregnant I sort of had this idea in my head that I’d want to write an essay about how I’ve gone about reconciling my past as a self-identified slut and transitioned into being a mother. But the words wouldn’t come to me when I was pregnant, so I figured I’d get to it once I actually had the baby and experienced...
"Uh, uh, South Beach bringin' the heat..."
Mystery: The song “Miami” by Will Smith seems to be extremely popular on New Orleans radio. Like, I hear it daily. DAILY. I don’t think I need to explain why this is mystifying. As far as I know, this fourteen(!)-year-old jam doesn’t even get regular airplay in the city it praises. My brother lives in Miami. I should ask him.
I’ve been in New Orleans for about 7 weeks now, prepping the movie formerly known as Lamb of God. We had to change the title for a couple of reasons, one being that explicit references to G_d don’t fly in certain foreign markets. I actually like the new proposed title better, but can’t announce it until it’s cleared. “Clearance” is an unsexy concept that’s...
I'm 33 and I agree
“I refuse to conform to any narrative conventions that say, ‘Well, if you begin a film with voice-over you at least have to bookend it, have it at the end. You can’t just have it at the beginning and let it taper off.’ I’m thinking, I’m 50 and I’m going to use whatever cinematic device I want to.” -Alexander Payne
Not a Mooch.
Lately, I’ve noticed that I possess just about every negative quality there is. Frankly, this observation was starting to bum me out. I can’t even talk shit properly because I’m always thinking Well, I’m like that too. But then last night I was watching Tiny Furniture (awesome movie). There’s this dude in it who’s a classic leech. An asker. Just one of those...
It is less realistic this way, but somehow more...
Richard just saw "Martha Marcy May Marlene"
INT. CAR (DAY) “I liked it. No, I did. I just need some time to think about it. It’s like I’m waiting for the payoff, though, and…yeah. It’s one you gotta sleep on, you know?” “That girl was phenomenal, though. I’ve been saying that lately, phenomenal. I think I picked it up from my kids. (chuckle) It’s like the new thing. All right, turn...
Emails between me and my brother
(To be clear, the entire intent of this exchange was to fuck with me.) *** On Mon, Oct 17, 2011 at 11:52 AM, Marc Busey wrote: »» »»> Do you and Dan have a convenction oven? »» On Mon, Oct 17, 2011 at 4:10 PM, Brook Maurio wrote: »> »» We have a regular double oven and a microwave, that’s it. » On Mon, Oct 17, 2011 at 1:11 PM, Marc...
Omnibus Tumblr Post
I’m headed to New York tomorrow for the first of what will hopefully be a handful of Young Adult-related events. Movie’s not out until December, but the screenings and advance press (AKA the Ringling Brothers Publicity Circus Feat. “Jumbo the Writer”) start now. ‘Tis the season to be self-conscious! (About myself, not Jason’s film. I’m extremely proud of...
I am so hungover. Last night I thought I would be “the cool mom” (TM Mean Girls) and go out dancing after the boy was tucked in. We actually got eighty-sixed because we were too hammered. Worse yet, I did something I never, ever do and pulled the “I’m vaguely famous” card as we tried to drunkenly wheedle our way back into the bar. (Of course they laughed. They were...
R.M., addressing his wife Cynthia, who is in...
“I’m running out, Cyn. Do you want a sandwich or something? Right, I know, I know, a salad. I can’t keep up with these diets. Hey, I tried.” (car door slams) (gentle acceleration of departing Cadillac CTX)
‘Tonight You Belong to Me’ (from ‘The Jerk’) →
I came down the aisle to this song. I love it so much.
Change of direction
I spent my winter/spring writing a script called “Lamb of God.” It’s about a woman who survives a plane crash and loses her faith in everything. (Comedy gold!) Seriously though, it’s not the cynicism-fest implied by the log line. It’s a nice Christmas story. Yesterday, I ran into Jason “Dave Grohl” Reitman, who has turned two of my scripts into movies...
"It's a fun thing for Rick."
SUPER: 2007 “I guess it’s been going on for quite some time with college kids and stuff. And it is a joke, but still, you know it gets people curious about the song, and it gets the song out there. You get ‘Rickrolled’ and maybe you think ‘Hey, that’s kinda catchy.’ And you go to iTunes and you buy the song and bam, that’s money in Rick’s...
"I'm Happy for Mike."
“Do you watch Saturday Night Live these days? I haven’t seen it in a long time. Anyway, I guess there are these kids on there that make these like, music videos. You know, funny videos, like music with comedy. And I guess they asked Michael Bolton to do one, like a pirate thing. It was on the show and everything. Can you believe that? I mean, I’m happy for Mike. I never thought...
"Is it just me or does this song sound a lot like...
-Richard Marx in 1992, realizing that “How Do You Talk to an Angel?” by The Heights pretty much rips off his song, “Endless Summer Nights.”* (“Marx, Imagined” is going to be a new feature here. Next: Richard Marx responds to the news that Michael Bolton has been asked to appear in an SNL Digital Short.) *Richard Marx didn’t actually say this, as far as I...
Beloved Comedies, Reimagined
(Inspired by this post on good old Jezebel.) Author’s note: I enjoyed all three of the following scenes/projects in their original incarnations. Just thought it might be interesting to play “let’s pretend”… 1. A young woman (Kristen Bell) is suddenly and harshly dumped by her live-in boyfriend. The man is clothed, but the woman remains completely and visibly naked for the duration of the...
I feel like I would be way better at this Tumblr thing if I liked sharing.
The Worst of Both Worlds
I am a sedentary person who eats a lot of rich food. There’s no other way of putting it. While I’ve (luckily) dodged any serious health-related consequences thus far, I could stand to cowboy up and kick some habits. Let me assure you this has nothing to do with carving out a sick “BIKINI BOD!” (TM Us Weekly)*— I’d just like to lessen the strain on my heart,...
I haven’t read The Hunger Games and I know very little about the series. Apparently there are people in it with crazy, awesome names like “Thresh” and “Haymitch.” The best is “Katniss,” which sounds like a sassy hermaphrodite’s nickname for (s)his urogenital situation. I need to read these books. Also, Leven Rambin is going to be in the movie. She...
A POST FROM LINDA SPELLMAN
Hello, It’s me, Linda Spellman. I’m an Executive Producer (E.P.) with an office on the Universal Lot since 1985. I was just a baby then, god. There was no Dreamworks then, just Amblin. You could smoke everywhere, even in the gymnasium, and the set medic on my Executive Productions would tell us we ought to smoke more. The Jaws ride was a big attraction then and boy did it scare the...
Today, I’ve been head-butted, clawed in the face, and had my hair pulled with brawl-worthy force. And it’s only 8:30. This is like Flowers in the Attic, except my son is the grandmother and I’m poor Cathy bathing in piss and tar. Is it OK for me to discuss my child? I don’t even know. I mentioned him on Twitter once and some ’80s enthusiast asked me if he was an...
Apology to TARA viewers re: tonight's episode
In tonight’s episode of TARA, Kate’s story involves a catastrophic earthquake in Japan. I want you guys to know that the episode was written and shot in 2010, long before the recent tragic events. We were able to edit some of the references, but couldn’t remove all without rendering the episode incoherent. Sincere apologies from all of us.
This is what the song sounds like. There are other...